Cancer patients have come to look at the positives that come with treatment. Outsiders will guess that cancer patients have a whole new outlook on the world and list benefits such as the new found joy of life, the cherishing of every single day, and the thought to love everyone even more. Well that whole lifetime movie portrayal is wonderful, but cancer patients tend to focus more on the funny, odd things that come from treatment, the positives hidden deep down in the after effects of chemotherapy and radiation. So let me introduce some of the weird benefits that come from chemotherapy and radiation:
Benefit number 1: My new hair is amazing. Yes, my hair is new, I grew it myself, and it stays on. I had lost all my hair to chemotherapy during treatment, and shortly after started to grow it back. Now, in truth, most chemo patients that have their hair grow back are surprised to find it grows back completely different. My hair before was stick straight and blonde. It ended up growing back much darker and curlier. The first few months and first few inches had me resembling Cory from the popular 90’s television show Boy Meets World. As it got longer, it relaxed a little bit and now has more of a natural wave. I have since lightened it myself hoping to resemble the old me a little bit, but I still find it strange that chemo can affect your hair color and texture. This is one of the examples I use when trying to explain how deeply chemo affects one. It can even change their DNA. But, all in all, it is beautiful and without years of damage, and therefore better than yours.
Benefit number 2: I am pretty sure the only reason I have boobs is because of the radiation. This may sound like some kind of joke, but I am convinced that the lasers are the reason I have anything up top. My build before chemo was like a tennis player: Tall, trim, and flat. I was radiated from the very top of my neck all the way down to my hips. After radiation, I have come to find that with my growing hair came a growing chest. This could be chalked up to puberty as well, but I had mostly passed that stage of the game. My mom however is jealous, and every time I leave the house in a low cut top, she tells me she is thinking about getting radiation as well.
Benefit number 3: I have a wonderful conversation starter I take everywhere with me. At the top of the left side of my chest sits a two inch jagged scar. Over time, it has started to fade, but still anywhere I go the first thing people seem to grow curious about is why I have a scar. Most people assume it is because of a heart problem seeing as how it sits on the left side by my heart, but it is in a place to give me multiple ideas for stories. My most frequently called upon story is that of a gang fight when I was turning trick. But I have used things such as a bad boob job, a stabbing, a car license plate, and the occasional ‘What do you mean I have a scar?!?! Where?!?!’ Truthfully, the scar is from a device I had implanted in my chest called a Meta-port. A meta-port sits under the skin in between tissue and is connected to the heart. It is used as a safer and quicker way to administer chemotherapy and other drugs. A needle is just inserted through the chest to the port, and therefore the patient is now what is called ‘accessed’. Still, my scar never fails to be a great conversational piece.
Benefit number 4: Now to be fair, I do have the benefit of looking at life a little differently. More seriously, I grew up a long time ago. I am not your average college girl living in a bubble whose biggest fear is wearing the same outfit as the slutty girl to the sorority party tomorrow night. A splinter is not the most painful injury, and I can talk in depth with others without sounding confused or condescending. I have figured out the whole truth behind quality over quantity, and little moments are not taken for granted. I know who my real friends are, and I focus on them. I take care of the people who take care of me, and are well aware that that will set me up for life. My life is a series of moments, and I know that I need to make the most of them without taking it too serious. I have had something go wrong, and I fought back. Sometimes now I remind myself to accept a slip up or mistake as just something to come back from because it happens. You learn to find the positives in the bad times, like cancer can just equal nice hair and big boobs. Because in the end it’s just boobs and hair, but while I have them I’m going to enjoy them because I worked damn hard to get them. And I would take girl with boobs and hair over girl with cancer any day.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Don't be a downer...
So, to be a little more serious than usual, there is a down side to cancer. Gasp!!!! No, but there are after affects that come more in the mental form. There is a so called after-sadness. After -sadness is something that comes with the true facing of up-keep, maintenance, and trying to return from a life where you were completely dictated by doctors. I’m sure many would fall in a depression when facing after-sadness or at least categorize it as that, but from what I have come to find in myself and other survivors I know, is that more commonly it’s just random bouts of after- sadness.
These bursts come and they go, they are more common around scan dates or any scares, but they can really manifest themselves whenever they want to. Usually, they come by surprise. For example, Saturday night I was driving home at eleven p.m. from a black tie benefit listening to hard core rock music when all of sudden it hit me. And these are not wimpy tears that slowly well and fall, no these are full blown, grunting, sobbing, snotting, whale tears. They typically last for 30-45 minutes, and then one can’t seem to cry anymore. It passes, almost frightening quickly. But that is why they are bouts. They come when needed, and leave after they have served their purpose. And the purpose comes down to an inner strength. Yes, I refer to crying bouts as moments of strength.
Looking at the reasons, it seems to be a valid title. I hold in so much when it comes to cancer. I can pretend to be healthier than anybody else and be completely convincing, I can cover all my tracks and missteps, and I can portray the very mark of pride and fearlessness. This is where I find strength, in the ability to be first introduced as a bubbly, healthy, sarcastic, weird, nerdy, college girl. Then, maybe after getting to know me you will learn about that one aspect of my life, and be surprised for I hide better than Osama Bin laden in a Short people parade. But the sadness comes, and it comes at the weirdest times, but it renews my strength. Because just when you think something has broken you down and the Dam starts to spill over, you let out a little water and fix the hole. It may break, but a survivor is always prepared. Some may choose to medicate the pain away, medicate the feelings away, hide the pain, hide the feelings, drink the troubles away, complain, run, or talk. But I choose the little down moments which prepare me for a lot of up moments, because then I feel the balance is in my favor.
These bursts come and they go, they are more common around scan dates or any scares, but they can really manifest themselves whenever they want to. Usually, they come by surprise. For example, Saturday night I was driving home at eleven p.m. from a black tie benefit listening to hard core rock music when all of sudden it hit me. And these are not wimpy tears that slowly well and fall, no these are full blown, grunting, sobbing, snotting, whale tears. They typically last for 30-45 minutes, and then one can’t seem to cry anymore. It passes, almost frightening quickly. But that is why they are bouts. They come when needed, and leave after they have served their purpose. And the purpose comes down to an inner strength. Yes, I refer to crying bouts as moments of strength.
Looking at the reasons, it seems to be a valid title. I hold in so much when it comes to cancer. I can pretend to be healthier than anybody else and be completely convincing, I can cover all my tracks and missteps, and I can portray the very mark of pride and fearlessness. This is where I find strength, in the ability to be first introduced as a bubbly, healthy, sarcastic, weird, nerdy, college girl. Then, maybe after getting to know me you will learn about that one aspect of my life, and be surprised for I hide better than Osama Bin laden in a Short people parade. But the sadness comes, and it comes at the weirdest times, but it renews my strength. Because just when you think something has broken you down and the Dam starts to spill over, you let out a little water and fix the hole. It may break, but a survivor is always prepared. Some may choose to medicate the pain away, medicate the feelings away, hide the pain, hide the feelings, drink the troubles away, complain, run, or talk. But I choose the little down moments which prepare me for a lot of up moments, because then I feel the balance is in my favor.
What Homework?
Hello, my name is… something… I would like to blame my brain. Wait, I would like to blame what the chemo did to my brain.
There is a common occurrence that comes from chemo that is normally referred to as chemo brain. Chemo brain is something that technically could be compared to things like ‘senior moments’ and ‘brain farts’. Chemo brain describes changes in concentration, memory, attention, and normal various day to day mental tasks. Chemo brain comes from the after effects of chemotherapy, now is where it should click why it is titled what it is. Chemo brain is so infuriating that one must find ways to use it to their benefit to cancel out the negatives that it causes. So let us take a look at one of the negatives and one of the positives:
Negatives include the name of that person that you met at that place with the thing for the event benefitting that cause. You were supposed to find the object for the night of the week of some month coming up.
Positives include things like commercials that feel like home. Do we not all remember Jennifer Love Hewitt taking an egg to symbolize the brain and then smashing it with her frying pan to symbolize the brain on drugs? Well the original take just had her slightly cracking the egg somewhat ever so gently and then shaking it profusely so that it didn’t know what level of the food pyramid it belonged to. The tag line would read this is your brain on chemo. But…. when Jennifer broke the only egg they had left because of her strong man hands, they decided to open the tag to include all drugs for dramatic egg smashing effect. New stance, this is your brain on drugs.
Now, these negatives and positives just give a little clue on the boundaries around chemo brain. But, more or less this is just to touch upon a common occurrence that never seems to be recognized. Sometimes, I am just not home, the light is not on, and the windows are closed. My brain stops for a second, but if given time and proper care it picks right back up. I apologize for forgetting to do my homework, for forgetting you name, for forgetting to care that you have a horrible splinter and I didn’t send a sympathy card. I apologize for forgetting the heading on my paper, for forgetting to finish my……….something.
There is a common occurrence that comes from chemo that is normally referred to as chemo brain. Chemo brain is something that technically could be compared to things like ‘senior moments’ and ‘brain farts’. Chemo brain describes changes in concentration, memory, attention, and normal various day to day mental tasks. Chemo brain comes from the after effects of chemotherapy, now is where it should click why it is titled what it is. Chemo brain is so infuriating that one must find ways to use it to their benefit to cancel out the negatives that it causes. So let us take a look at one of the negatives and one of the positives:
Negatives include the name of that person that you met at that place with the thing for the event benefitting that cause. You were supposed to find the object for the night of the week of some month coming up.
Positives include things like commercials that feel like home. Do we not all remember Jennifer Love Hewitt taking an egg to symbolize the brain and then smashing it with her frying pan to symbolize the brain on drugs? Well the original take just had her slightly cracking the egg somewhat ever so gently and then shaking it profusely so that it didn’t know what level of the food pyramid it belonged to. The tag line would read this is your brain on chemo. But…. when Jennifer broke the only egg they had left because of her strong man hands, they decided to open the tag to include all drugs for dramatic egg smashing effect. New stance, this is your brain on drugs.
Now, these negatives and positives just give a little clue on the boundaries around chemo brain. But, more or less this is just to touch upon a common occurrence that never seems to be recognized. Sometimes, I am just not home, the light is not on, and the windows are closed. My brain stops for a second, but if given time and proper care it picks right back up. I apologize for forgetting to do my homework, for forgetting you name, for forgetting to care that you have a horrible splinter and I didn’t send a sympathy card. I apologize for forgetting the heading on my paper, for forgetting to finish my……….something.
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