One of the things doctors and nurses forget to mention to you after you have been cleared of cancer for the first time, second time, fill in the number time, is that they will continue to make you report back every few months to do tests and scans that in turn will cause cancer.
You will be instructed to do many tests consisting of the same sort of process:
You walk in, are given a gown, and directed to a room. You are told to take off all your clothes and put on a beautiful, oversized, smock like print of ducks. From there, you walk barefoot to an open room hoping your butt is not hanging out of the smock, but if it is you hope it looks good and attracts the nice, handsome, rich, doctor. Even before hellos, you must sum up your sex life. And the usual response to, “Are you pregnant?” is not taken well when answered with, "I sure hope not!" From there you must say you are kidding and give a definite no. Or if yes, run away. But no is the preferred answer usually for both parties.
Then after the first test, comes the second one and the third one exactly like it. One must suck it up and do these tests over and over. Escaping is usually looked down upon.
Maintenance Patients ( those who had cancer and are trying to maintain the not cancer place they are at) have come to find that scan time is one of the best times to choose to resort back to the famed pajama pants that one had come to be best friends with during treatment. Why? Because you learn to wear the clothes that are easiest to take off over and over again many times throughout the day of scans. The best bet is usually drawstring pajama pants and t shirt. Many may call this the ‘bumming it’ look, but I call it the ‘Pro- Hooker’ look. Just like a hooker, cancer patients become good at taking off their clothes many times in one day and learn to find the clothes easiest to take off. Cancer patients don’t do buttons, snaps, or ties. No, we are professionals, it’s just one… two…. Velcro…. off!! Unless your night job is a hooker, this is probably the most times in one day that you will hear, “Take off your clothes.”
From the ‘pro hooker’ phase comes the time when you crawl, stuff, or shove your way into some machine and lay down. You fill your time by reading the warning labels on the machine, wall, bed post, etc. There you will find the bright part of a cancer patients day. The words on the machine that is supposed to check for your cancer warns, “This test may cause cancer.” But instead of worrying about getting Cancer from the tests, I figure give me a few more MRI’s which are just Magnetic Resonance Tests and I will stick to the fridge.
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